Health Insurance, Defiant Hair and Traffic Lights - A Disgruntled Writer Shares a List of Grievances

When feeling irritable, it often helps to dump all over those closest to you. However if they are not around or tired of listening, there is always the trusted Mercury reader to complain to. The intention behind this diatribe is entirely self serving. First, I have a genuine desire to air my dirty laundry before the entire community and I hope you will commiserate with me. Second, I could not think of anything else to write about this week, so bear with me as I venture through my list of gripes and grievances.

New pants often have a sales tag sewn into the waistline on the back side of the apparel, with thread a different color than the remainder of the garment. These tags clearly must be removed before the pants can be worn. Perhaps I am mentally challenged, but I find it incredibly difficult to pull those threads out of the fabric.

Case in point: I recently found myself on a weekday morning, fresh out of the shower and running late for work, armed with a pair of eyebrow tweezers in one hand and scissors in the other as I struggled to extract tiny white threads from the waistline of a pair of black slacks. I picked at the fabric for what felt like an eternity only to surrender in despair.

Determined to wear my new pants, I felt compelled to tie a sweater around my waist to hide the frayed material and ugly threads, now more visible than before after being tugged at relentlessly with a pair of eyebrow tweezers. I tend to tie sweaters around my waist most days anyway, but usually the purpose is to hide my rear end, not my apparently compromised IQ when faced with thread removal. I am unclear as to why the manufacturer does not use thread the same color as the pants. For example, with black pants, why not use black thread? If anyone has an answer, please contact me at risamason68@comcast.net

I will now shift gears and introduce you to my theory on drive-through windows. I have two points to emphasize on this issue. First, drive-through lines are always ridiculously lengthy, and I cannot figure out why, especially when there is nobody waiting on line at the counter inside the venue. Second, on the rare occasion that I am lazy enough to forsake time efficiency in favor of the comfort and convenience of my vehicle, I inevitably find myself parked behind a monster sized SUV with a frustrated mother and half a soccer team inside. Again, if anyone has some insight regarding this issue, please contact me at risamason68@comcast.net

The next topic to be covered is human hair. Why does human hair love to defy the laws of gravity? If you push it down, it pops back up. If you try to curl it, it falls down flat. If you iron it straight, it immediately turns frizzy. By the time we stop caring what we look like, the hair either turns gray, falls out, or both. Then there are the lucky ones, who never have a single hair out of place, despite the weather, season, or time of day. Personally, I begin and end each day looking like bozo the clown after being electrocuted. Why don?t dogs have this problem? Any suggestions from the perfect hair people would be greatly appreciated; please forward all helpful advice to above email address.

Traffic Light Theory: You can pretty much bet your life on this theory. If you are running late, in a terrible hurry, lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood to the point of panic, or desperate to find a bathroom immediately, all lights will turn red. Alternatively, if you are unfashionably early, headed someplace you really don?t want to go with plenty of time to spare, anxious to find an essential item buried under mounds or junk on your passenger seat, or dying to take a bite of the juicy cheeseburger still fully wrapped and balanced between your knees as you drive (the one you hungrily anticipated while waiting forever behind a monstrous SUV on a drive-through line), all lights will invariably turn green.

Health Insurance: I know I am not alone with this particular problem. I am 5 foot 5, 107 pounds, a non-smoker, exercise regularly, and have never been hospitalized, required surgery, or undergone treatment for a serious medical condition. I take a daily multi-vitamin, try to eat healthy, and feel quite well most of the time.

Being self-employed, I have not filed an insurance claim in many years, as all my medical bills are out of pocket expenses. However thanks to a trusted friend known as the MIB (Medical Information Board), my recent attempt to purchase an individual health insurance policy led to my discovery that I am in fact suffering from several ongoing medical conditions that my doctor never told me about.

Thanks MIB, I appreciate your highly conscientious record keeping. If I am a high risk candidate for an insurance policy, I suppose only the unborn fetus would be considered low risk, as it has not yet experienced the dangers of hangnails and stuffy noses. All questions and concerns can be directed to www.MIB.com If you are fortunate, you can also be declined health insurance or robbed blind, and as an added bonus, you can discover all your secret ailments that the MIB has carefully documented for you.

Following is Dr. Risa?s simple theory about health insurance: If you are sick and in dire need of health insurance, you can?t have it. If you are well and in need of health insurance, the MIB will find you and inform you that you are in fact sick. If you are self employed, uninsured and relatively healthy, prepare to remain uninsured and relatively healthy, avoid heavy objects careening out of windows, or sell your home and pitch a tent on the beach. If you are self employed, uninsured, and seriously ill, consider the following:

-Seek employment with a large corporation immediately and enjoy the benefits of your new group policy.
-Start your own business, find a minimum of 15 friends to employ, and apply for a group policy together.
- Find a very wealthy friend and be exceptionally nice to them.
-Plan your funeral. The money you save on expensive medical treatments can be used for a nice casket.
-Move to Canada, Europe, or Central America.

Pleasure Theory: If it brings you pleasure, it will make you fat, give you cancer, lead you into debt, or cause you to lose self respect and social standing in the community. It feels bad, boring, painful, or frustrating or causes you dread, it is healthy, respectable, necessary, imperative, the ?right thing to do??or required of you on a daily basis. To simplify, just remember my cardinal rule: Feels good- you can?t have it; fees bad-you are stuck with it. Nothing is certain but death, taxes, weight gain, dental visits, desk clutter, dirty laundry, and paperwork.

Finally, here is my parting request for all of you loyal Mercury readers. When you contact the MIB to request a confidential listing of your medical conditions (the ones your doctor forgot to inform you about), please don?t tell them that when I was twelve, I accidentally bit my tongue while attempting to eat a frozen snicker?s bar. I am still trying to apply for a policy and I really don?t want to mess things up.

Risa Mason is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Charleston, S.C. She specializes in coaching women towards inner peace and fulfillment by teaching them how to live, dream and thrive. You may contact her for individual or group coaching, or public speaking engagements at 843-769-0444.

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